Telling Others
Letting other people know that you’ve been using child-porn is a big step for some men, and the decision to tell or not tell is usually based on strong emotions. It is useful, however, to step back from the feelings and consider the following factors of ‘disclosure’
· Who to tell
o their relationship to you
o their relationship to the child
o their professional role
o the authorities
o an automated process
· What to tell
o your need to learn new ways of being
o your emotional distress
o your compulsive use of internet porn
o your child-sex activity
· What you want
o forgiveness
o encouragement
o shared responsibility
o hand over responsibility
o punishment
· Your reasons
o understand your thoughts/feelings/behaviour
o get help
o help others
o control the situation
o abusive manipulation
· Who is telling?
o you, anonymously
o you publically
o someone else
Any combination of these factors can influence who you tell and why, for instance:
· hiring a life coach to build your general levels of confidence and motivation
· telling your wife about your child-porn with respect for her individual perspective
· telling your husband/partner about your child-porn with an enjoyment of manipulating him
· your wife advises your faith congregation that you have a plan to avoid any online-sex behaviour
· you have a contract with a forensic professional to monitor your computer use
Telling someone isn’t an ‘all or nothing’ matter – when you work through your own stop plan you will have a better idea of your needs in various aspects of your life. Make sure that you attend to these needs and seek targeted support where necessary. If you have used downloading child-porn or chatrooming as a way of coping, consider getting support as the same process but in the opposite direction (you’re relating to someone/something outside of yourself to help manage your life).
TOP TIP: Make a list of who to talk to, what it is you need from them, and how much you want to tell them. Be positive and creative, because letting people know you need their help can be an enjoyable and rewarding experience - for you and for them. Once you have made your list, set deadlines and make a commitment to follow through your plan.
© Chris Willoughby 2008-
