More than one ‘Me’
You have more than one version of yourself – a different ‘skin’ for different situations such as at home with family, at work and when playing for your football team on Sundays. Think about which parts of your character come to the fore in the roles you take on. Sometimes men who get involved in child-sex online will almost feel as if they’re a different person altogether – aspects of themselves which are pushed down start to take over. It’s not unusual for quiet and cautious men to be confident, even aggressive, online.
Having different versions of yourself (the psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott called them ‘false selves’) is quite normal, but these false selves develop as a response to unhappy or traumatic experiences early in life. A complete split between selves isn’t good for your mental health – it’s best to bring together all the various aspects of yourself into a core personality, with only slight variations for home, work and play lives. Have you ever wished that you could be as confident at work as you are at home, or as valuable at home as you are when playing a team sport?
One of the problems that can develop if you have very distinct versions of yourself is that conflict can arise between them – you might have a very socially responsible job, for instance being a prison officer, but in your spare time you’re collecting and grading child abuse images for pleasure. The idea you have of yourself at one time is in direct conflict with another time, which can lead to great anxiety at one extreme and a system of complicated cover-ups at the other.
TOP TIP: Make a list of each ‘Me’ you are (husband/father/son/colleague/boss/lead guitarist in band/Boys’ Brigade Company Officer/distributor of child-porn etc). Then for each ‘Me’ list your characteristics (confident/scared/trusting/funny/angry etc) – you can sort them out into pros and cons if you wish. Are you different in various situations?
TOP TIP: Consider yourself from each of these four perspectives – does a ‘bigger picture’ emerge? What can you learn about yourself? What makes you fulfilled and unfulfilled? What do you need to do to change what makes you unfulfilled?
© Chris Willoughby 2008-
