The Isolation Trap

The difficulties of self-motivation
It’s likely that many men have not sought help with quitting child-porn because of the risks of losing their loved ones, public exposure and going to prison.  If this is how you feel, your concerns are understandable, and you’re more likely to make up your own Stop plan with no more outside help than this website and additional reading.  You may very well be successful in this (and this is one of the aims of ‘Help! I want to STOP’), but from time to time you may struggle with motivation – this is because poor motivation can be self-perpetuating just like the stressful life event spiral.  This is the isolation trap – if you’re feeling down, it’s hard to have the emotional resources to bring you out of feeling down.  At times like this, it’s useful to have the number of a local or specialist helpline like ‘The Samaritans’ or ‘Stop It Now!’ (see the resources section of this site for numbers)

TOP TIP:  If you’re going it alone, make a list of helplines you can contact anonymously for the occasional advice and support.  Keep the numbers in your wallet so they’re always available.  Helplines don’t trace your call and you don’t have to give any identifying information so don’t be afraid to make that call if you need to.

Sharing the burden
Because of helplines, you don’t have to be alone (even if you live in an isolated community) but if you are able to get specialist help you’re more likely to be able to share the burden of quitting.  This might mean finally sharing your secret, or it might be more involved like working through a help-to-quit programme, or perhaps an action plan to notify the authorities if you are heading towards ‘hands-on’ sexual activity with a child.  A specialist counsellor or psychotherapist can give you useful feedback on your unique situation (think of your Johari’s Window), as well as helping you stay on track if you’re having a wobble.  Some self-help groups can provide similar support as well as putting you in touch with a group member who is on the other end of a phone-line when you need advice and bolstering-up.

TOP TIP:  Contact local therapists and support groups and ask them about their professional attitude to sharing responsibility.  How would they deal with a high-risk situation like you feeling sexual towards your own children or chatting up a neighbour’s child?  What support could you expect out of hours and what is the structure of the help (is there a programme\can they work with the ‘Help! I want to STOP’ programme’)?  This will help you get a feel for how you might be able to share the pressures of giving up child-porn.

Sharing the success
Have you considered that by seeking help you also have the chance to share your success in quitting – this is especially so if you have joined a self-help group.  Not only will you benefit by getting things off your chest and by being clear about your achievements (both of which makes them feel more ‘real’), you are likely to be helping another man in the same boat.  A common experience of ‘groupwork’ (group-therapy or self-help groups) is that it is sharing experience with each other that helps positive change.  It’s the same process, but in the opposite direction, of falling into child-porn distribution networks – the experience and encouragement of others leads to greater involvement and group identity.

TOP TIP:  Above all, TAKE ACTION NOW.  Even if it’s not quitting just yet, commit to at least considering it and weighing up the pros and cons.  You CAN break free from child-porn and now is as good a time as any to make that happen.